Yes, 7 days left before the moon sight seeing that indicates the coming Syawal month (pls forgive my grammar, kinda suck with my English now 😦 ).
I have to confess, this Ramadhan is really a wake up call for me in terms of knowing myself better. As we all know that the devils are all locked up in hell for 30 days so that we can fast and be a humble servant to The All Mighty. So literally this month is the only month where we are all being sincere with ourselves, showing our real characteristics towards each other. I don’t know about anyone else, but I realize that I have this huge anger management that I have to control. It’s not that I kept yelling or cursing or showing my anger, it’s just that I can’t stand keeping it to myself. As a result, I get moody, my face expression is always serious all the time, I keep getting headache, my pimples won’t go away (they leave scars and come back at other side of my face 😥 ), I trash my bedroom, and my heart pump like they want to explode.
Yeah I know that everyone has their own anger, and I learned to accept myself this way. It’s just heart breaking because I sincerely don’t want this to control me. I can’t express when I’m hurt cause I really don’t want to hurt others back. A closed friend told me that I’m trying to be perfect, but I don’t. I just hate having stupid fights and making stupid face expression and hating people. I’m the kind that likes to be around friends. She said I’m trying to care much on others rather than myself. But is that really a crime? I mean, I did that so I will get the same treatment. Is this wrong?
I also realize I like to be straight forward. And this kinda makes me look naive. But what can i do? I don’t like being a hypocrite. Yet some friends actually accused me of being “tall-miss-too-good-to-be-true”. How is this work anyway? Once I was considered very evil, “talam-dua-muka-gurl” and stuff. But which of my stories were fake? No no, I ain’t no tale teller, but I shared things when my friends asked for advice and stuffs. But from trying to save both sides, I end up being the “evil one”. Even the one I cared the most has use my “naive” side just to make him feel good about himself. Blahh….
I realize all this in Ramadhan… No no, I’m not saying I good+kind+soft what so ever, I ain’t no saint dear. But I get tired being nice, I get tired accepting myself like this. I’m tired that I have to take care all of your hearts and swallow mine hard.
In the end, I rebelled. Instead of being nice like all those times, I neglect everything that I don’t like. I helped, but I won’t take any blame. I distance myself from those those whom I considered “confused” and walk towards them who really accept myself in my own denial. As a result, I had few friends. Sometimes it hurts seeing of what I have become, and I did try throwing myself back at them. But the reality speaks louder than my intentions. So I had to make a choice, and I did.
Worse part is, I kept some grudge in my heart. No, I don’t do paybacks. It’s just that I found it hard to be happy around some of them anymore. The best way I can do is avoiding them. Chicken you say? Well, I like to play safe. I don’t need extra heart pain than I already have. I have a weak heart…
In the end I still don’t know why I’m so down with myself. Why I let myself too low just to make things better. But I know I can’t make everybody understand, and expect the same treatment that I gave to them back for myself.
So tell me, how do I accept myself since I also view myself differently as in I am not the same person. How?